Spiral

I just have to get this out of my head. I feel like my depression is spiraling out of control again. I can’t sit here and have a set of thoughts without a few of them being negative. I’m scared that I’m in love with a man that’s going to leave. Afraid that we can never really be together. Afraid that I’m going to be left with a child that isn’t wanted by both people involved in making said child. I’m already raising one alone, I don’t want to raise two alone. That scares me more than anything.

 

I keep thinking I’m not good enough. That I’m never going to be good enough. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to just go and see him, to spend the day with him since I won’t be able to anymore after today. *sighs* My heart aches for him, my soul bleeds for him. I want to just be able to smile and kiss him any time I want. I wanna have the chance to be in his arms any moment either of us chooses.

 

I feel like a failure. Like a complete fuck up. I don’t want to feel these things, to think these things, but I can’t help it. They’re always there, in my mind, screaming at me. Telling me how stupid and retarded I am.

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