How It Feels

So earlier Daddy said he had to go… that was around two in the afternoon. So he went, and I know he’s got things he has to do. I also know that things have changed and it’s going to be a lot harder to maintain our relationship now, than it was before. I didn’t hear from him again until a quarter of five. The only thing the text said was “miss me”. The funny thing is, I do miss, constantly. I miss him so much it hurts inside. I can go from being perfectly fine to feeling like complete shit when we can’t talk or see each other. I start to feel lonely and depressed, but then we get to talk and I get so damn excited I squeak. My stomach starts to feel like I’m on a roller coaster, my eyes sparkle, and I instantly smile. I don’t think Daddy realizes this. I don’t think he realizes just how much I do miss him when he’s gone. That’s not to say that he doesn’t know I miss him, I know well I hope that he knows I miss him. I’m just not sure he realizes to what extent I miss him sometimes. I’m talking about the love of my life. The man I want to marry, have children with, enjoy all the good and bad times with. He’s not just some person that I have sex with and happen to call Daddy… no he’s so much more than that. With everything that we’ve been through, it only makes me want to fight for us more. Daddy is my world and I adore him, I ache to my very core for him.

 

I do realize that some of my friends don’t really support my decisions just as well as I realize some of them hate that I stay. I’ve sat here and listened to people talk bad about Daddy and frankly that does nothing but piss me off. If you’re my friend, like you claim to be, you wouldn’t be talking shit about the man I’m in love with. He is MY CHOICE, even if he’s not your choice. However, that’s the funny part of it all… this is my life we’re talking about. My decisions, my thoughts, my emotions, yes… my life… and in my life I choose him. Do you realize that you talk shit about the man that makes me laugh? The man that makes me WANT to live and makes me smile all damn day long. I fall in love with him all over again every damn day. I’ve sat here and listened to what you all have to say, things like I should walk away, things like he doesn’t really care about me, he’s using me, it’s just a game, he doesn’t really love me… but you know what? It’s YOUR turn to listen.

 

When I wake up I wonder how he slept and if he’s awake yet. I go through my day and there’s not a minute that passes where Daddy isn’t in my thoughts. I talk to him almost constantly all day long. I feel bad, and he’s there. I feel sick, he’s there again. I want to do something; I make a decision or say it’s important to me… and guess what? Yep, he’s there, supporting me a hundred and ten fucking percent. I get upset, and he’s there to make me smile or laugh. He talks it out with me. Daddy lets me ramble half the time just to figure out something on my own and then smiles and says “I knew you could do it”. NONE of you seem to get that, but you’re all so quick to judge what you don’t know. You look at the colors, but not the painting.

 

There are plenty of photos of us on Fetlife together. You can see that we adore each other. If you look into our eyes in photos where we’re together, and look at ones when we’re alone, the looks are COMPLETELY different. My friends I ask you to look at photos of me before I was with Daddy. Do you see that look in my eyes?? That sorrow and hurt? The depression that’s there in my baby blues? Look at a photo of me now, or better yet one of me and him together… it’s not there in my eyes is it? For the first time in my life, I am happy in the relationship I am in. Could it be better? Yeah, it probably could, just as life could be better, but NOTHING is ideal. Nothing is easy, and I’m the most stubborn person I know. You can bet your sweet ass I’m going to work it out, fight, pour my blood, sweat, and tears into this.

 

You all think that this isn’t going to work. That I’m going to end up hurt, alone, and even more broken than I’ve ever been. I promise you, that I am going to prove you wrong. He loves me just as much as I love him, and there’s nothing that’s going to change that. Don’t get me wrong in this, I do appreciate that you care and that you’re worried about me, but you have to remember I’m an adult, I know what I want, and I can take care of myself. When you talk ill about the man I’m in love with, it really does piss me off and it hurts. If you’re my friend, you shouldn’t be talking that way about him, no matter if you like him or not just out of respect for me and our friendship.

I am aware that this might piss quite a few people off, and if that’s the case then I’ll accept that just fine, but if you truly are my friend, I know you’ll be there for me, care, and want the best for me. I know that if you’re really a friend, you’ll support my decisions and want to see me happy.

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2 Comments »

  1. cyphir Said:

    I am still sorry that all this happened to you and wish you could be happy and stay happy for once.


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