Thoughts and a Brief Note to Sir…

So I’ve been debating for a while if I should even write this, but I guess I probably should, and somewhere deep down maybe I hope it’s going to help. To help whom is really the million dollar question though. So I met a Dom and we were seeing what would happen, and it seemed to be a pretty good thing. He and I thought the same about a lot of things, so it was a damn good match up honestly, at least in my mind. We had one meeting and a session and I was given a set of tasks. However, life seems to get in the way… as it always does. Things haven’t been the best for him, and I completely understand that. He told me he had to let me go, because the things going on he doesn’t think he can give me the things that I need too. We still talk, and honestly I adore talking to him just as much now as before. But I’m honestly worried about him. I know a few things here and there, but I know something’s wrong, and while I don’t expect him to tell me everything going on, I do want to be there for him. Is that completely fucked up? Am I just losing my mind?

 

Part of me feels like I’ve done something wrong. Like I wasn’t good enough. I guess that’s the parts of my past that haunt me and the outlook I tend to have on myself. My mind makes me wonder if yeah he’s going through a lot, but maybe I didn’t try hard enough or I wasn’t a good enough girl. I know, my mind is fucked up, but bear with me. It also fucks with me in the way that everything happened but he saw me, without the shyness or the worry… and then I was let go. I don’t mean to make it sound like I don’t believe him, or that I’m blaming him. Honestly I am blaming me. I’ve told him as much too, and he tells me it’s not like that. The scary part is I DO believe him, but my mind still doesn’t want to let me hear the words that it isn’t me, but life getting in the way. Sometimes I hate my mind…

But I’m getting off track. The point is I’m worried about him. I try to text him and let him know I’m here, and that I’m going to be here… because well that’s what friends do, and I’d like to have at least that with him. All of the things I have been through I worry a lot about what could or couldn’t be wrong, and the small glance at knowing him I got, he’s a really great guy. I don’t like knowing something’s wrong, and not being able to fix it. I guess that’s just who I am. So if you’re reading this, know that what I say to you in messages isn’t for show. I really do care, and I want to be there for you. If not as a submissive than as a friend. I’ve been through a lot in my life, and while I’m still dealing with a lot, maybe I can help. Maybe I can just listen if you want to scream. I know when I was told about having cancer I didn’t want to talk to anyone, to tell them, but it didn’t make it go away… it just made it harder.

xoxo

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