Thoughts on My Past

I sit here looking at the world and humanity and I’m not sure if I cry happy or sad tears. Humanity has always been filled with hate, and it seems that fact will not change any time soon. It saddens me to admit that. It makes my heart very heavy and sad, and makes me wonder if it will ever truly get better. I have never been a fan of labels and labeling ourselves to better fit into a box. However, I wear so many labels it seems, at least to the outside world, that I wonder if I could ever get away from them. My LABEL is Snow. I AM Snow. Nothing more, and nothing less; I am Snow.

 

I happen to be a part of the LGBTQ Community. I am a pansexual woman. What does that mean; to be pansexual? Pansexual: not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity. I am attracted to a person, to a human, to the connection and THAT is what turns me on. Have I always been pansexual? I guess probably so, though I did not always realize it. When I first “came out” I said I was bisexual. I liked both men and women, but there are so many other humans that do not always fall into that category or just male or female.

 

I remember coming out almost too clearly. I was terrified I would lose every single person close to me. I was afraid I would lose my mother, my grandmother, and aunts, uncles, cousins, and anyone else. Do you know what happened? Some of those people I DID lose, but those that TRULY LOVE ME stayed by my side, and are still by my side supporting me. I remember telling my mother that if it bothered her I was attracted to females as well as males, and any other gender “type” that she was not WORTH my love. I think I truly shocked her with that statement. My mother said something to me that I will never forget. She told me that when I was born she held me in her arms and promised to always love, protect, respect, and guide me. That she would NEVER leave my side, and always be there. True to form, she always has been. My mother doesn’t care if I’m with a man, with a woman, with an asexual or a transgender or if I’m with a damn alien. She cares that I AM HAPPY and well-loved and well taken care of. THAT is what matters to my mother. That HER DAUGHTER is cared for, loved, and adored in the relationship that she is in. I have other family that feels that exact same way. I also have family members that think I’m disgusting, that I’m an abomination, and that I will be in hell if I don’t “save my soul”. Does it hurt me or bother me? Yes, it really does… but it doesn’t for the reasons you might think. When someone that shares the same blood with me, that “love” that we are supposed to have looks at me and tells me I’ll go to hell, that I’m a sick person for not being straight I hurt and I’m very bothered. It bothers me because they are so close minded that they are missing out on life. It hurts that they think everyone should fit into this neat little box and be a carbon copy of every single other person in the world. THAT is what hurts; that they are so closed up they can’t just allow someone else to have joy and happiness. Hell maybe they aren’t even really happy, so that’s why others shouldn’t be happy.

 

Even after coming out I spent so many moments terrified, though it wasn’t at first. No at first I lived my life and I didn’t care one way or another if anyone knew because I was OUT and I would NEVER be pushed back into that box, into that closet, where I would have to hide my true self. Then someone I thought was a friend thought he could “cure” me. He thought he could “fix” me, and make me straight. We were hanging out and having fun, of course we made out a little. Then he tried to push it further. I said no. He didn’t accept that, he forced me down against the couch, and while trying to fight him off of me we fell onto the cold tiles of the floor. He ripped my clothes to get at the things he wanted. He violated me in every single way he could. I remember he kept saying you know you like it, you like men too, you love this cock, I’ll fix you and then you’ll only want men. You won’t have to be perverted and disgusting and fuck girls too. I kept fighting him, kept trying to get away, and cried the entire time. He eventually left me there, curled up on the tile floor, clutching at any part of my ripped clothing I could get. I don’t know how long I was there until another friend found me. I remember thinking if sexuality worked that way, I’d never touch another male in my life, but I knew even then, deep down, that it doesn’t work that way. Yes one man raped me, but that didn’t make all men bad.

 

I continued on with my life. Still refusing to hide who I am, what I am, and while I have amazing memories I have some that are dark. Like being raped, and hurt, left broken and alone. I remember going out with a group of friends, friends that didn’t exactly question or know my sexuality. I remember all of us having this amazing day out hiking and taking in all the beauty around us. While in a cavern, a girl I had met up with while there had advanced. We started to make out and things got hot and heavy. We were young, and the passion overtook us. Of course we didn’t go too far being in public, but one of my ‘friends’ saw me making out with her before she left to go on her own way. I remember being cornered in that cavern, those people around me I thought were friends, spitting on me, telling me I was trash, and beating the hell out of me. I remember later picking leaves and dirt out of my hair, I remember taking little pieces of rock and dirt out of my skin.

 

I still continued on with my life. Though each and every time I was hurt, that violence was projected toward me, I grew a little more terrified. I thought so many times that perhaps I was safer in the box, to go back into the closet, say I’d been cured and start to hide who I was all over again. But… I am Snow. I am too pigheaded for my own good, and too blunt to be stopped. I could have run and hidden in the box again, away from society and the world, but life is too short. Too short to hide, too short to not take full advantage of enjoying each moment I am given in this world.

 

Then there are major attacks on the LGBTQ community, major attacks of hate and violence, and those attacks make me shiver in terror again. Will I hide again? NO. I will never again hide who I am, but I have grown cautious about every single thing around me. I am aware of where I am, who I am with, and I put every single thing in prospective to keep myself safe. That isn’t always enough though, and I understand that. Hate is all around us unfortunately, but it is up to us to stand against it; to be pigheaded and say NO MORE.  Hate is through every single thing not just sexuality. It is against religion, sexuality, the color of our skin, the color of our hair, our lifestyles, our eating habits, the cars we drive or don’t drive. People HATE what they don’t understand and that is where it needs to just stop. So WHAT if you don’t understand, just move the hell along. It doesn’t hurt you; it has nothing to DO WITH YOU. Just… just let it go.

 

The saddest part of it all though is that I personally didn’t come out only once. I had to again and again when it came to my sexuality, my religion, and my lifestyle choices. Each time weeding out those I thought cared, to make room for those that truly deserve to be in my life.

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