Lately I’ve been on a body hating trip. I haven’t felt pretty or good about myself and I’m kinda sick and tired of it. The truth of the matter is that society has abused me, it’s done unspeakable things to me, and it continues to do this. Society has damaged me in a way that I’m unsure if the damage can be undone. I am honestly so very tired of hating myself, my body, and putting value on myself based on my looks. My VALUE IS NOT MY SIZE. This is completely stupid, yet everyone, in some way, has been effected this way. We associate value with our size and our looks. Long hair, a pretty face, a thin body, and so many more things equate “pretty”. When is enough well, enough?
Until recently “fat” is bad. Now we, a society, are saying NO fat is okay, IF. We’re saying NO fat is okay, BUT. Enough of that shit. I’ve heard enough buts and I’m so SICK of the buts and the ifs and the excuses. I AM BEAUTIFUL. Not because of my size, or my looks, or my hair, or the way I dress. I am beautiful because of what is INSIDE OF ME. I am a mother. I am a friend. I am a daughter. I have compassion and I try to help anyone and everyone that I possibly can. I love with my WHOLE BEING and I do anything and everything that I possibly can, and THEN some for the people I love. I have spent nights alone, sleeping in a car, going without food just so that I can provide the things my daughter needs. I have pushed myself for hours and days and MONTHS to get through the things that I have been through. I have been on death’s door more than once, and I’ve looked Death in the eye and said FUCK YOU. I am a strong woman, though at times I feel weak and invisible.
Yes, I’m fat. You know what though? That’s OKAY. Not because I’m trying to lose weight, not because it would be better if it were in my butt or my boobs, not because I try and I try and nothing seems to work. It is okay because it’s just a fucking shell that I happen to live in. I’m not more or less valuable than ANY OTHER PERSON because of what I LOOK LIKE. Humanity’s value is in our actions, it’s in our minds, and it’s in our hearts and souls. It’s NO WHERE on the outside. I’ve had a LOT of issues with this in the past… and I mean a LOT of issues. I haven’t understood that for SO many years. Why haven’t I? Why haven’t I been able to see it? Why haven’t I been able to believe it? Why am I sitting here, tears streaming down my face, still questioning it all because I’m fat? The answer to all four of those questions is because society and humanity, for the most part, have told me I’m pretty for a fat girl. Or but you should worry about your health. They tell me things like you’re a great person, but your size is really an issue. I’m sorry that you society think that. I’m sorry that you feel like you’re helping me, when really you’re just fat shaming me and making me want to take ANY option out of this body. I’m sorry that you feel like you’re going to make me see a light and change my ways, however in reality you’re making me want to do nothing more than die. You’re breaking me, you’re hurting me, and the fucked up part? If it were a spouse hurting me, you’d be there guns blazing to “protect” me, to help me get away from the situation, to build me up and make me feel like I’m safe. If a man hits a woman you PROTECT THAT WOMAN by all possible means…. but well, we’re just fat and you’re skinny and it’s okay because we should be like you.
Hey society. I’m looking you dead in the eye and I’ll tell you exactly what I’ve told many people on many occasions. FUCK YOU. I’m Snow, and I’m fat, and I’m fucking fabulous!
Snow's Daily Life 